Quotes
You can read all the quotes or jump to your favorite -
Warning: for all non-Ben Folds Five fans reading this (why would you be reading it if you weren't a fan?) many of these quotes are not meant seriously but there's no way to convey sarcasm or humour in typing.
"There are fringe people and there are fringe people, and the truly fringe people are the ones where you open a phone book and you put your finger down, and there's someone's name, and you call 'em up, and they're fucking weird."
-- talking about being the "voice of a disaffected generation"
"Don't believe a word of it, it's all bullshit."
-- referring to Robert's wild story about being raised in a household of snake handlers
"We've got this beautiful lamp. Maybe we'll put it over here--but first I'll beat the fuck out of it! Yeah, now it's lookin' good."
-- his views on the band's style and his wild piano playing
"When we were playing punk clubs, and we'd get booked into a place like the Iron Horse in Massachusetts, where there was a piano and everybody expected us to be a piano band, my intention was to fuckin' break the piano. It's psychological: "I know that Blind Motherfucker So-and-So was here last night, and he played really nice chords, but that's not what we do." It's like trying to be understood for what you do, and everybody there is like, "I'd rather be at home, listening to my Billy Joel album. But this is louder."
-- on breaking the "piano band" stereotype
"I learned how to say, `Tokyo fucking rocks!' in Japanese... I'd love to go into a record store and say, `I AM BEN FOLDS!' and have all these Japanese girls swarm around me while someone takes a video of it to show my friends back home."
-- little story about the Japanese tour
"For me, humor is something slightly poisonous that tastes good. I admit I laugh at too much. Not too long ago I was on a plane that had such bad turbulence it turned completely sideways; two guys hit their heads on the ceiling, ice from drinks was flying everywhere. It was like, `Shit, we're gonna die!'But I was laughin' my ass off the whole time!"
-- his sense of humour
"My mom tried to convince me that it was good because all her friends like it."
-- on Whatever and Ever Amen
"Alright, y'all, let's get this party started."
-- at the start of an interview
"My first gig was when I was 10 years old for a chicken dinner at a church, playing my own stuff that I wrote. These old ladies were coming up and telling me to play quieter and quieter and quieter, 'til finally I was just barely playing piano. I was just getting so fuckin' mad and insulted. Then this woman came up. All of sudden she was being friendly to me; she goes, 'One of the ladies here birthday is today. Could you play 'Happy Birthday'?' I said, 'Yeah, can I have my chicken dinner first?' I went and got my chicken dinner, and then I just left. [assorted laughter around the table] I was so pissed. I started thinking about playing 'Happy Birthday' and I got so mad, I just took the dinner and left. Walked back down the street; I was about to cry, too. I was so pissed."
-- speaking about his first performance
"Nashville is a nice way to fail."
-- talking about when he was a session player in Nashville
"I'm just a piano-playin' asshole..."
-- his general view of himself
"Oh yeah, now's the time to act like really cool rock stars. I saw this thing with Oasis where they said, 'If you don't like us then you can fuck off.' Well the same applies with us. If you don't like Ben Folds Five you can fuck off!"
-- about being famous weird guys
"It's not in my nature to go, 'I'm pissed off,' and, 'Here's a pissed-off chord,'... I don't wanna burden people with my problems. It almost says more if you hold back - that's more telling than just saying ,'I'm miserable,' every time... listen, I realise the ideal emotional state for writing good pop songs is isolation and alienation... a good six-month depression will do wonders for your writing. But I'm afraid to say nothing pisses me off at the moment! My seratonin level must be out the roof! I'm too happy and it sucks!"
-- on why his music is usually fairly happy sounding
"The only time that that has any bearing on what I do... is when I write something on the piano and I go, Awwww shit, that sounds like a Billy Joel song. And I will change every note to keep it from sounding like a fucking Billy Joel song. And that's when I start to thank god that Robert's here to put the fuzz bass on, or we find some other way to fuck it up somehow..."
-- talking about the alleged 70's influences
"Well, it didn't really, you know, a lot of people clap at the end of songs, they, they didn't do that (laugh)... we kind of looked up and like, Geoff Harvey was coming over to me like he was gonna kick my ass... he was, he, he, he likes the F word."
-- on the Midday Show performance
"Oh, I love Australia... one day, when I grow up, I’m going to move there."
-- speaking about the Australian tour
"My babysitter pained her toenails one day. Purple like her bellbottoms (this is true) and played the eight track in its entirety. I thought I could be as cool as her if I just had that record. I never painted my toenails... maybe that's what went wrong."
-- talking about the third record he ever bought ("Frampton Comes Alive")
"Favorite sport: Uh... you say tomato, I say soccer. Wine: Any crappy red is okay with me. Teams. I should be really gross and say the Dream Team..."
-- favourite sports, wine and teams
"Trio... you mean that doesn't mean five?"
-- on the BF5 not 3 thing
"Yes, I'm seeing anyone. That's what musicians on the road do, right? Actually, yes I am. Robert is too. Not the same person though."
-- on if he's dating anyone ('Are you seeing anyone?')
"I was a geek I think in high school... yeah, I was."
-- on his popularity in school ('Were you a geek in high school?')
"I tend to just eat the Tootsie Pop whole, wrapper and all because I'm impatient."
-- how Ben eats tootsie pops
"Once every two and a half years."
-- when asked how often he does his laundry
Scenario: You and your fellow band members' plane crashes over the Andes. After days w/o food you're sitting around debating whose butt you are going to chow down on first, when suddenly a huge purple yak w/ big yellow eyes strolls up. He introduces himself as Froy. You've come to learn that Froy has been lost for several days after taking a wrong turn on his way out to the grocery store to buy fish sticks for his kids and Thinny Thigh cream for his wife. Froy goes on to say how much he misses his family, and whips out the famous "wallet full o' pictures". You're really hungry. Froy might be your only food source for many snow covered miles. On the other hand he has a wife and kids. What do you do?> Gina & Katie
"Gina and Katie, Froy is hopelessly middle class - the wallet of pictures, fish sticks... You can't eat Froy; there's no nutrition here. Actually your scenario is quite Nostradomic in its accuracy! This really did happen, although Froy's name was Blair (that's okay to get the name wrong). We told Blair to get out of our airspace, he was boring us. We are Breathairians. We don't eat - all the nutrients you need are in the air. Also, I think your vision of the Yak was actually a purple 1995 Saturn that Blair (Froy) was driving ( halligen yellow headlights maybe?) This man probably has a web site so maybe you can get his side of the story."
-- that was quoted from the 'Answers to the Armchair part 1' because you need the actual story to understand the answer.
I don't think it classifies the video as being 'alternative' really.
-- when asked his opinion about the MTV nomination (in the category "Best Alternative Video")
"Ben writes everything, except for those lyrics at night when I climb into his bunk and whisper them into his ear, like "Song For The Dumped."
-- how the songs get written
"It sucks."
-- on Whatever and Ever Amen
"My mom can't distinguish cuss words...she just doesn't pick up on any slang references. Cuss words, or even things like "I knocked up my girlfriend," or "I'm thinking of killing myself tonight" things like that. She can only hear things like, "Pass the potatoes," and "Can I see the remote for awhile?" and "I'll see you at Christmas."
-- talking about swearing on the albums
"Well, I was playing hard to get with the public at large and then he found me."
-- on the beginning of the band
"Ben touched me very lightly on the shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said, 'What's up?' I said, 'Uh, not much.' Then his hand went down my back a little- more than I was comfortable with. He invited me over to watch movies- I thought. He started, basically, rubbing himself down with baby oil. I was really shocked, I didn't know what to do about it. So, I called up Robert...The rest is history."
-- a different version of the beginning of the band
"I came up with a little sentence today that you might like. 'You should never feed Zots candy to an emotionally unstable cow.' You can think about that for awhile. I'm sure you'll find it has valid importance. And, do you know of anyone that can help with carbon monoxide poisoning?"
-- speaking about the long hours spent travelling and phrases they'd like to put in songs
"I spit gum into it once. I have this bad habit of going onstage without taking my gum out. So as I started singing, I was trying to spit it out... I was just trying to get rid of it, off the side of the stage. But I guess I was playing pretty hard, and I didn't realize how hard I actually spit it... I was afraid it was gonna fall down into the strings and start getting nasty."
-- the worst thing he's ever done to a piano onstage
"My feet stink. So does your question."
-- response during a radio interview
"But you have to give them a break because they haven't been used to dealing with small areas and making the most of space. And electronics has not really been their strong point, so you have to give them a break on these things."
-- talking about the Japanese
"Oh yeah. It's a moment I'm sure I'll share with a cheap bottle of wine and my girlfriend."
-- his feeling about being nominated for the MTV music awards
"The more records you sell in Japan, the more you actually suck to everyone else in the world."
-- opinion on Japanese success
"It's such a downer to listen to. It really bums me out. I call my mom up crying, and she always says, 'No Robert, it's a pretty good record'."
-- on Whatever and Ever Amen
"I got back from Nashville and I get this message, this little piece of paper and it says "Ben Folds' called." I knew who Ben was and it scared the shit out of me because I thought 'Do I owe him money or something?'"
-- on the beginning of the band
These are all either little dialogues or quotes that go with each other or whatever. Some of them are in my interviews section but I couldn't leave them out cause they were so funny.
"I don't know."
"I don't know."
"I don't know."
- Ben, Darren, and Robert (in that order) on why so many cool bands come from Chapel Hill
German -- "Do you vant to be really big?"
(causing Jessee to blanch)
Ben -- "It's okay Darren... I don't think he means physically"
German -- "Why do you have a piano?"
BF5 -- "Why do you have a nose?"
German -- "What are your hobbies?"
Robert -- "I build lamps."
German -- "What would you do if you were not in a rock band?"
Ben -- "I'd run a barber shop, real old-timey - maybe just the one chair in the corner of a record store."
German -- "What is your New Year's resolution?"
Darren -- "To quit jacking off. Specifically into my own mouth."
German -- "What are your ambitions?"
Robert -- "To complete our Mormon mission on bicycles."
German -- "Is there a last thing you would like to say to our radio listeners?"
Darren -- "Only that we use and endorse Spandex."
German -- "What is your idea of success?"
Robert -- "A house full of naked hermanphrodites and 24-hour Rockford Files."
Ben-
I've decided I don't like your attitude, you've made me very sad. I hope YOU realize you are an asshole.
Your ex-whatever Darren
- written by Darren when he was pissed off and reproduced in the interview "Ben Folds Five, Four, Three... " by John Allison
this page is by Crystal Lee Cooper
DrPyser@tmbg.org