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These are one liners and other jokes that I have collected over the years. Many of them have lost the source, because I didn't write them down at the time, so I haven't put down names for most of these quotes. One liners Jokes One liners A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once. After toppling an altrustic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Don't ever criticize anyone unless you first walk a mile in their shoes. (Then you will be a mile away and have their shoes.) "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. He's as sharp as a beach ball. I seek only to serve humanity--preferably in a nice white wine sauce. "I used to be a geek, then I started watching Star Trek." If I were running the world, I would only have it rain between two and five A.M. Anyone who was out then deserves to get wet. If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, dig up a chunk and turn it over to see. In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it's been though a blender first. "It is not raining. The sky leaks." Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Lightsabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart people who blow horns to break up traffic jams. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's more safe to harass rich ladies than motorcycle gangs. People never say "it's only a game" when they're winning. Practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect so why practice? Space is a dangerous place when it's between one's ears. Strip mining prevents forest fires. Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out? The Bad Guys can't hit the broad side of a barn. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?" We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going? Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it? You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it. Jokes A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" "Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world today?" "I don't know and I don't care". "Ignorance is bliss." "I don't know what this means but I'm happy." Q: What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson all have in common? A: They were all born on holidays. Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two... four... um, can I get back to you in ten days? Q: If you see an guitar player and a harmonica player on the side of the road, which one do you run over first? A: The guitar player, of course -- business before pleasure! Q: How many stormtroopers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it and the other to shoot him and take all the credit. -- this one came from one of the Young Jedi Knights books by the dreaded KJA. I don't remember which one. Q: How many Rogue Squadron pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thirty to die of electric shock and be remembered forever, and Wedge to change it.