I coloured Guybrush's lines dark blue to help with reading. All of the other characters are still in black, except when there are three people in a conversation, when I'll colour the third person dark red .
Part One - The Three Trials
He fell for her in a big way, but she told him to drop dead. So he did. Then things got really ugly.
-- Estefan the pirate
It's days like this that make you glad to be dead.
-- the ghost pirate LeChuck
Wait... don't say anything. I can sense your name is... is... Guybrush... Guybrush Nosehair. No... Threepwood. Guybrush Threepwood. Am I not right?
Lucky guess. Half the people I know are named Guybrush.
-- Guybrush and the Voodoo Lady
Just want you to know... I don't do this with everyone. It's only because I feel that special... student/mentor/pieces-of-eight bonding... that I'm going to these lengths.
-- Captain Smirk the sword teacher
Why do you guys talk so funny?
Pirate lingo! It's how everybody talked back then. Come on Guybrush, play along.
-- Guybrush and an ugly insulting pirate
Ever notice how all these roads start to look the same?
Yeah! Now that you mention it, they do. It's probably just that we're tired.
-- Guybrush and an ugly insulting pirate
NOTICE
These dogs are not dead, they are only SLEEPING.
No animals were harmed during the production of this game.
-- notice after the drugging of Governor Marley's dogs
And if there's one kind of piracy I don't like... It's CONS-piracy.
-- Otis the prisoner
Where do you think you're going, Thumpwind?
You know, it's not too late for us to make up and be friends.
Yeah... and it's also not too late for me to kill you and still make it to the bar for happy hour.
-- Sherriff Fester Shinetop and Guybrush
The Legendary Lost Treasure of M�l�e Island�
This carefully produced piece of M�l�e Island� history has delighted thousands of would-be pirates and their families for generations.
Remember, there are other pirates on this island, SO GO EASY ON THE TREASURE. Leave some for the next person.
-- The sign at the treasure
What can I do to save her?
You must get a ship and go after her! The ghost pirate's lair is on Monkey Island, everybody knows that. (Don't ask me how...)
-- Guybrush and the Scumm Bar Cook
HEY! LOOK BEHIND YOU! A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!
(Guybrush turns and looks and Otis runs away)
I can't believe I fell for that. Pretty good trick, though.
--
Part Two - The Journey
I'm going to give you mutineers five seconds to come to your senses! Then I'm going to start kicking some butt!
Excuse me Guybrush... does the word 'keelhaul' mean anything to you?
Keelhaul / K�(e)l-hol
1. to haul under the keel of a ship as punishment or torture
-- Guybrush chooses the definition, but says "I see your point, thanks."
Part Three - Under Monkey Island
Shish keBob
Shish keJoe
Shish keLarry
-- the impaled corpses at the Monkey Head
Where is he hiding it?
He's in a place beneath this island... somewhere in a huge system of catacombs... a hellish place filled with the wailing of tortured sould trapped forever in the rock... where the walls bleed and the air is thick with the rancid smell of pure evil.
Tourists used to line up for hours to see it.
-- Guybrush, the red-text Cannibal and the grey-text Cannibal
Why are you guys talking in Pig Latin?
I see he is baffled by our native dialect.
-- Guybrush and a Vegetarian cannibal
I won't not promise to avoid refraining from harming you.
What?
-- Guybrush to a ghost
Last Part - Guybrush Kicks Butt
I had to stop you from marrying Governor Marley.
I'll marry her yet! How do YOU plan to stop me?
I'll whack you with a rubber chicken.
Many have tried that and died for their effort.
-- in the M�l�e island church
I had to stop you from marrying Governor Marley.
I'll marry her yet! How do YOU plan to stop me?
I'll douse you with my sticky seltzer bottle. You'll never menace decent, tangible pirates again, you billowing bag of... of... of something that begins with "b"!
-- in the M�l�e island church
You know, LeChuck was a deviant, obnoxious, slithery, creepy-crawly sort of a guy, but I'll say one thing for him...
What's that?
He sure looks nice exploding against the night sky.
-- Guybrush and Elaine
At least I learned something from all this...
What's that?
Never to pay more than 20 bucks for a computer game.
A what?
I don't know, I'm not sure why I said that.
-- Guybrush and Elaine
Soundtrack not available on cassette or LP.
Book not available either.
Part I - The Largo Embargo
Well, well, well. Guybrush Threepwood. You do turn up in the strangest places.
-- Elaine to Guybrush, who is dangling on a rope in a well
Ha! Those guys wouldn't know a good story if they paid fifty bucks for it.
-- Guybrush
Help! Police!
Ha ha ha! Scream as loud as you want. There are no police on Scabb Island.
Then who eats the donuts and roughs up the transients?
-- Guybrush and Largo LaGrande
What's the problem with that Largo guy?
He really goes against my grain!
-- Guybrush and the woodsmith
Nice apron. Are you some sort of chef?
No, I'm a woodsmith. Which gives one of us an excuse for dressing funny.
-- Guybrush and the woodsmith
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can't chuck wood.
But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?
Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck should chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.
Oh. Shut up.
-- Guybrush and the woodsmith
Maps are very, very important.
Actually, I prefer to just stop and ask directions.
That's what Magellan thought. Ha ha ha! Sorry. Cartographer joke.
-- Guybrush and Wally B. Feed (a cartographer)
We met a philosopher on the island, and he told us something which changed our lives.
That you should bore passers-by to tears with long stories?
He told us that all the world is a stage and that we are merely players. So, we became performance artists. In our current work we portray man's response to global environmental issues of a changing world.
How come you have to perform on that ledge?
Ah... to show the precarious nature of the situation... so to speak.
Right, right.
I think you're overlooking the potential symbolism to be gained by your closeness to the earth.
Err...
But...
All right, you got us. We're really up here because... well...
We're afraid to come down.
What?
What's the word for it, Frank?
Err... ah... hmm...
Stupidity?
It's the opposite of acrophobia. Something like "orcaphobia".
Fear of killer whales?
Say what you will, we're not coming down.
-- Guybrush and the Men of Low Moral Fiber
"Marco Largo LaGrande,
Hell on sea or sand.
The good news is, he's dead.
The bad news is, he bred."
-- on the tombstone
I'd better not touch them... It looks like somebody's trying to grow penicillin.
-- Guybrush on Largo's leftovers
I'm afraid it's true, Guybrush. If they have any animated tissue, they can reanimate his whole body.
But I blew his body into a zillion gooey pieces!
Not his body, Guybrush. You destroyed his spirit form. His body was safely buried far away.
But by now it must be...
Rotten? Partially decomposed? Yes. And I don't think that's going to make him any more pleasant to deal with.
He's going to be looking for me!
Yes.
He's going to try and kill me!!!
Undoubtedly.
Can you just kill me now and get it over with?
You must try not to lose hope, Guybrush. There is a way out.
What is it?
You're doing it right now.
Fiddling with the change in my pocket?
Hunting for Big Whoop.
Oh yeah, I was doing that, wasn't I?
-- Guybrush and the Voodoo Lady discuss the reanimation of LeChuck
That's one of my most powerful potions. Brings the dead back to life.
That doesn't sound quite proper.
Hey, I got a license!
-- Guybrush and the Voodoo Lady discuss the jar of Ash-2-Life
Part II - Four Map Pieces
That's a sign I took from the famous Precipice View Road.
I've never heard of it.
They call it "Dead Man's Drop" now.
-- the 'left turn' sign in the shop
Excuse me sir.
Yes?
Aren't you Guybrush Threepwood?
No, my name is Smith. You must have me confused with someone else.
Smith, eh? That's an unusual name.
-- Guybrush and the Phatt Island constable
The Phatt Island Library card catalog : The categories are in bold text.
Archaeology
"X Never Marks the Spot"
by I. Jones
Biography
"The Time I Blew Up LeChuck"
Questionable Memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood
Cannibalism
"How to Serve Your Fellow Man"
by Lemonhead
Children's Books
"The Sinister Beast Under the Bed"
History
"Careful With Those Cannonballs!"
Legend of the glass-bottomed armada
Humor, Gallows
"So You're Going To Be Executed..."
Dozens of things to say on the chopping block.
Imaginary Numbers
"The New Tax Laws"
Light fiction.
Music
"Elvis Lives"
Predictions of future music by Nottruedamus
Solitaire
"A Million and One Ways to Play Solitaire"
By Herman Toothrot
Trilogies
"Why People Shouldn't Write Trilogies"
by Simon Finklebirth
Trilogies
"Why People Won't Read Trilogies"
by Simon Finklebirth
Trilogies
"Why People Write Trilogies Anyway"
by Simon Finklebirth
Vicious Pedantry
See Dewey Decimal System
Wallpaper
"Impact of Yellow on Small Children"
Psychological study.
Yodeling
"Yodeling From the Top of the Lungs"
A study of yodeling as an offesive weapon.
Name yer poison.
What have you got?
Well, we have some specialty drinks here at the Bloody Lip... Like: Yellow Beard's Baby, Bloody Stump, and Blue Whale.
I'll have Yellow Beard's Baby.
Well, you can try, but I don't think nature's on your side. Ha ha ha!
Just give me the drink, please.
Hey, I have to crack jokes. It's a union thing.
-- Bartender and Guybrush
"Violets are blue, roses are red...
We're coming aboard, prepare to eat lead."
-- from "Famous Pirate Quotations"
(Cheap sexual innuendo...)
(Mindless retort...)
-- Party chatter
What's the matter, Guybrush?
How did you know my name?
I was talking to the dog. Who are you?
She named her DOG Guybrush?
Yeah, I don't get it either. It's not much of a name if you ask me. She says it's cause he's dumb and helpless and keeps getting in the way.
-- Elaine's dog and Elaine's gardener at her Booty Island mansion
Look at us, together again. Boy. We haven't been like this since... well...
Since I quit my job and moved away without leaving a forwarding address?
-- Guybrush and Elaine
Wait! I just felt a sudden disturbance in the Force... as if a tiny, tiny voice just called out in fear... and then hastily scratched a message in a table.
-- Voodoo Lady as Wally is abducted
Part III - LeChuck's Fortress
Arrgg... You be in a heap of trouble Guybrush Threepwood. Now that you are mine, you will pay for what you did to me.
Hey... What's a little root beer between friends...
Silence! There is only one thing more painful... than being resurrected from the dead and... crammed into a rotting body. Do you know what that is?
Hmmm...
It is what is about to happen to you!
Can't we talk this thing out?
You see that candle over there? When it burns through that rope... the bag will fall on the bellows. When it is compressed, it will shoot a single lead bullet... which will ricochet off that pan... then off the shield behind me... bounce off that other shield... finally striking the green balloon. When it pops, it will cause that lever to fall... releasing that ratchet on the chain wheel... and sending you down into the pit of acid.
Geee... I...
Do you know what happens next?
Ummmm... well...
I will then take your bones... still alive and in great pain... and make them into a chair. I will call it my screaming chair. Every morning I will sit in it and listen to you scream. Any questions?
What is the secret of Monkey Island?
All will be revealed in a few moments.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a...
5 cords.
Where do babies come from?
In your case, the orphanage.
Why do adventure games cost so much?
Scanned vga art is expensive.
Isn't it dangerous to leave a pit of acid uncovered?
Safety is not my concern in this situation.
Why didn't you just shoot me when I came in?
Because we had an extra disk.
I am growing tired of your stupid questions. Prepare to die.
(LeChuck leaves the room)
He didn't say what he was going to do to me?
An ottoman comes to mind.
-- LeChuck and Guybrush
Part IV - Dinky Island
Guybrush... --ghack--
What?
Come over here.
No way, I'm not that stupid.
But I want you to-- --gag-- --take my mask off... ...choke... ...see the TRUE face of your brother...
No chance, you'll just rip out my lungs when I get close.
--gurgle-- No, no, I promise. Please, come take off the-- --argh-- --the mask!
Oh, all right, I'm coming over.
Gently now, remove my-- --hack-- --mask.
My god, you're... my creepy brother Chuckie.
What, did you think I was kidding before?
How come you hate me as much as you obviously do?
Well, you remember the time that you broke my Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault Vehicle�?
Do you really think a truck is more important than your own BROTHER?
It wasn't a truck, it was a Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault Vehicle�.
Why do you villians always laugh so much?
I wasn't laughing at anything in particular. Somewhere there's a fish nibbling on my foot and it really tickles.
-- Guybrush Threepwood and Murray (a disembodied talking skull)
How can you see without eyeballs?
How can you walk around without a brain? Some things noone can answer.
-- Guybrush Threepwood (asking a question I've always wanted to know) and Murray (a disembodied talking skull)
What are you doing up there?
I am standing as a testament...
Standing?
...hanging as a testament to the power of the forces of Evil that will one day claim victory over the entire earth!
-- Guybrush Threepwood and Murray (a disembodied talking skull)
Who are you and how did you just appear like that?
I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.
You're a fashion consultant?
Well, yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.
-- Guybrush Threepwood and the Voodoo Priestess
Why can't you go back to the original scripts?
Oh, the sweet, sweet, bitter irony of it all. Now that you have confirmed that I have produced a work of irredeemable trash... I'm more or less guaranteed to have a financial success on my hands.
Why do I find that strangely encouraging?
-- Guybrush Threepwood and Slappy Cromwell (thespian)
Oh, there's a monkey in my pocket,
And he's stealing all my change,
His stare is blank and glassy,
I suspect that he's deranged...
-- Guybrush Threepwood singing 'Monkey in my Pocket' (a popular children's song).
Pirate stories. Got any?
Okay, here's a story: I started out as a crewman on The Raging Tightwad, sailing out of Puerto Pollo. The captain was a master treasure hunter, a diviner from some ancient secret society. He had some weird fifth sense when it came to finding objects of value.
Don't you mean sixth sense?
No, by some cruel trick of nature he was born without taste buds.
-- Guybrush Threepwood and Cutthroat Bill (piratey barber)
What? You shot my banjo!
You can't be sure of that. That shot could have come from the grassy knoll.
-- Edward Van Helgen (dapper piratey barber, the banjo duelist) and Guybrush Threepwood
'Salvation Vine (Arborealis Deusexmachinas)'
'This species of vine is noteworthy for both its strength and its ability to grow anywhere except where it's most needed.'
-- plaque in the quicksand swamp, describing the vine which Guybrush uses to pull himself out
My that's a big bottle of lotion you have there.
That's right she be... and don't 'ye be gettin' any ideas 'bout stealin' it! We're sure to be needin' it. Ya see... carpentry in this tropical climate can and will prematurely age yer skin! 'Tis but one of the many hardships a pirate must face daily during this barbarous age. Aye! And if we pirates didn't carry hand lotion aboard all our ships, we'd probably die from the chafing.
Wow! If I were doing a history report on pirates and I included that fact I'd get an A+. We're talking GUARANTEED A+. And that A+ might just get you into the college of your choice. Think about it.
-- Guybrush and Haggis McMutton
Tell me my fortune! Tell me my fortune!
I do not think you wish to hear. There a things of which a man is better off being ignorant.
Oh, but I'm already ignorant of so many things!
-- Guybrush and Madame Xima
What is it? Is that a good AIEEEE?
-- Guybrush to Madame Xima
Look! A three headed monkey!
Ah! Then the prophecies were true!
-- Guybrush and Madame Xima
I don't indiscriminately pick up bartenders.
-- Guybrush, when the "pick up" part of the coin is used on Goodsoup
It's a picture of a really goofy-looking pirate wannabe. Oh, wait.
-- Guybrush looking into a mirror
It just occured to me that mixing medicine and alcohol is a stupid and possibly lethal thing to do. If I were a real person instead of a loveably inept cartoon character with the potential for a few more sequels... I wouldn't even consider it.
-- Guybrush, drinking a possibly lethal mixture of grog and Head-B-Clear
Aargh! Math be hard! Let's go shopping!
-- LeChuck zombie pirate toy
That diamond belongs in a museum!
So do postimpressionist paintings, Mr Threepwood. So do postimpressionist paintings.
What the heck is that supposed to mean?
One day, you will understand.
-- Guybrush does his best Indiana Jones impression for the smuggler King Andr�
But all my suitors bored me to tears. I wanted someone dangerous. I wanted... a pirate! By the way, what do you do for a living?
Flooring inspector.
-- Guybrush (mighty pirate) and Minnie 'Stronie' Goodsoup (ghost bride)
Crazy kids with your long hair and your Baroque music...
-- Mort the gravedigger
Why are you wasting your money on all this bad fiction?
At least my bad fiction doesn't require over a thousand dollars in hardware.
I see your point.
-- Guybrush and Mort the gravedigger
Mortal fool! Release me from this wretched tomb! I must be set free or I will haunt you forever! I will hide your keys beneath the cushions of your upholstered furniture... and NEVERMORE will you be able to find socks that match!
-- Murray to Mort
Hmmm... it looks like I'm left with no choice but to acqueisce.
No! Just give my my money!
-- Stan and Guybrush (trying to get his insurance money)
Does too... infinity.
Does... Aargh! Curse your diabolical debate skills!
-- Guybrush and LeChuck (arguing over who Elaine loves more)
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